Saying Goodbye to Devo

We said goodbye to Devo last week. She was blessedly clear that she was ready. Her eye was getting worse, and her docs felt that there was a mass growing behind her eye. They offered a CT scan and even eye removal by surgery. We were pondering this crossroad when Devo made the decision for herself – she started hiding in the basement. Then she stopped eating, felt nauseous. She thumped her tail when we visited her, but she wanted to be alone, low, in a small space. When she was visibly jaundiced, we knew. 

Her last two nights she had a hard time getting comfortable. I slept on the couch and listened to her hop back and forth around the room. We had a cold snap, and all she wanted was to drink icy cold water from the birdbath outside. 

On her last morning, she woke up before the dawn and hopped outside to drink. She was so tired, she lay down on the deck and didn’t want to go back in. We watched the sky grow lighter together, her covered up in my puffer jacket. 

To our surprise, it felt best to take Devo to her holistic vet for the euthanasia, rather than have him come to our home (which bless his heart he would have gladly done). It was a 30 minute drive and I sang to her the whole way there. At one point, she popped up and gave me a gentle and loving look in the rear view mirror, resting her chin on the seat back like she has done on probably every drive we’ve ever taken together. I will treasure that sweet gaze forever. 

Her actual passing, I will keep between us. It was gentle and lovingly done. After she died, the weather turned warm and the sun came out. I feel her with us, strongly. 

Devo loved being alive. She was a joyful and liberated presence. She loved using her dog body to play and roam the wild. She was so capable and competent, independent (sometimes to my annoyance). We were more free and wild because of her. I regret the times I felt frustrated with her, or tried to control. I think those lessons are a part of her final gift to me.

Here is a poem I like to share when someone loses an animal love. For the first time, that person is me. I like to change the hims to her when I read it these days.

 

Bazougey by Mary Oliver

 

Where goes he now, that dark little dog

who used to come down the road barking and shining?

He’s gone now, from the world of particulars,

the singular, the visible.

 

So, that deepest sting: sorrow. Still,

is he gone from us entirely, or is he

a part of that other world, everywhere?

 

Come with me into the woods where spring is

advancing, as it does, no matter what,

not being singular or particular, but one

of the forever gifts, and certainly visible.

 

See how the violets are opening, and the leaves

unfolding, the streams gleaming and the birds

singing. What does it make you think of?

His shining curls, his honest eyes, his

beautiful barking.

Safe travels, Devo <3

Our First Scare

Well, we had our first big scare this week. Devo’s cancer is affecting her eyes, and in the middle of the night something must have changed. She was very uncomfortable — pacing, eyes squinted shut, obviously hurting. A small dose of tramadol finally helped her rest, but the next day she didn’t want to eat and hid under the stairs all day. She looked just awful, and I wondered if that might be it for her… But the smell of dinner and some warm clam broth brought her around to our happy surprise.

The vet found pressure in her eye and glaucoma. Also low platelets after her doxyrubicyn 7 days ago, so oral prednisone now. And CBD treats. She’s not back to where she was before the scare, but she went to the beach yesterday and still wants to be here with us.

 

Devo’s First Beach Trip

Devo is seeming so much more herself this past week. Today is 18 days post op. Stitches are out, chemo is started, off all pain meds. We went to the beach for the first time as a tripawd family. It was bittersweet for me — she’s still healing and gets tired so easily. I don’t know what it was like for her, but I hope she liked smelling the ocean air and eating a dead fish she found on the sand!